Trixie Toxic

h0sh1kuma @ 2008-04-25T03:33:00

2008-04-25T07:52:16Z

i got fired today. for no reason. basically the two girls who werent working tonight got the boot. i dont know what to do its happening all over again.. everything is falling apart all over again i'm terrified of whats next. my manager won't answer my phone calls. they wont give me any explanation. maria (the owners daughter) said she's gonna try to get my job back snd she said adam would too.. i don't think its realistic. i love that bar so much. i'm heart broken. theres been so many other things tearing me apart its unreal.. someone save me from myself this is the most awful thing of my life. now i'm forced to be dependant on others AGAIN.. i must not be meant to be alive, or to be successful alone cuz nothing in this univurse is telling me otherwise. its all screaming FUCK YOU KILL YOUR SELF ITD THE ONLY WAY TO END THE SUFFERING.

then there was this fiasco with my ex tom. basically his gf found some messages he sent to me and it all blew up and stuff and there was this big bar arguement. his gf was blowing my shit up with the 3rd degreee. i told that bitch the truth even gave her a ride home, for what you ask? cuz i just strive to be a goood person. well that blew up in my face cuz he managed to convinve her i was insane and just wanted him so bad that i was trying to brake them up. he told me some of the most hurtful things ive ever heard. he took my deepest fears and used them against me. "you realise yet why everyone treats you like poison, because you fucking are" i was crying all day. i tried to be honest with that girl and do eberything in my power to be nicr and respectful and she turnd sround snt tells me i'm lying and she believes her bpyfriend snd all this whack ass shit. i was so decent to both of them. he called me a doped up pil whore and all this other shit i didnt say one bad or untrue thing to or about him. i was honest and respectful to that little cunt never called her a name and she had the nerve to call me a nasty skank.. wtf.. thats what you get for being decent.. spit in your face. so fuck that imma laugh when he really cheats on her cuz he will. i hope he gives her bitch ass aids tbh.

anyways i guess everything else aint so bad russell keeps flip flopping between nice and dick face and now i have to try to be extra nice cuz i need him to pay all these bills and bullshit cuz i have no job and blew all my savings months ago.. i'm supposssed to be getting this tax check but theres a good chance i might not be getting back at all because of my hair school loan. even if i do get it its not gonna work out how i planned anywasy cuz i wanted to get my own care but now i'll have no choice but to live off it cuz i have no fucking job.. so either way im screwed on that money and getting myself to a point of independance. i want to throw up right now...

h0sh1kuma @ 2007-12-27T13:57:00

2007-12-27T19:06:01Z

Well I have updated in 10 million years but for anyone who's interested..

I still have no car hoping to get that resolved after the new year. I'm going insnane @_@

Christmas was great thus year! I know I can't believe it either. I didn't cry there was ZERO drama. No mom, no russells aunts being bitches etc.. And I got like all the stuff I wanted including the new sidekick! So I am supe happy.

My birthday was also super awesome. I did everything I wanted to for that too. And I appreciate everyone who came out for that <3

Uhm.. Me and russell are doing well. Kirra is almost 2! I've been having some fun with my friend brittney who just moved back from georgia. We got in a big fight after she first came back. But we settled it and all seems good for now.

I got a new job which I don't think I've mentioned here yet. It is great and russell got a really good job too so yay no more being poor *knocks on wood*

I ran into rachel and got to make her feel uncomfortable for once instead of vice versa. Hah you had that one coming you heartless bitch :-p

Hmm idk what else to talk about right now but I'm going to try to make a point to post more. I'm mad at me for not keeping up like I used to. You guys need to post more too!

I have so very much to talk about so if you don't care scroll away

2007-12-13T08:37:28Z

I don't even know where to begin there's so much I want to tell you about but I've been gone for so long I don't even know where to start. I'm very heart broken today because due to current events I'm pretty sure my birthday (tomorrow) is completely going to be ruined..
21; 9 months pregnant
22; no one even came to see
23; ruined by the one who is supposed to love me
I'm so upset atm. The people at my new job make me feel like having a nervous brakedown. Its like the one head bartender has it out for me. She never has anything positive to say anout me and it seriously brings me down.
Everyone else has been saying positive things, all the other management etc.
Sunday was insane and I know I flipped a little but I am trying so fricking hard and I know it and I feel like no matter what place of business I go to or how hard I try someone is always there to make me feel shittier than I already do about myself. There's always that one management person who seems to have it out for me I swear.
They were like incinuating letting me go for having to call in tonight but it was very unusual circumstances. My electric is off might not be on till sat now telling. Russell is god knows where doing who knows what and I'm totally paranoid about that too. And I really don't want my birthday to be ruined over that. This is me </3 I really don't sleep very well away from home either so idk how late I'll be up. I am going to start updating more. I wish I still had paid so I could update through emails cuz that's so much easierrrr

h0sh1kuma @ 2007-10-19T01:20:00

2007-10-19T05:31:43Z

There is a lot going on and through my head right now. I'm here but I'm not, my mind is in a million other places at a hundred other times. I am thinking of you and what could've been. I am thinking of you too and what could possibly be. I don't know where it ends or where it begins. It is a rollercoaster.

I have been working a lot and at the same time not enough. My electric bill is super over due and I'm hoping that it will magically not get shut off through tomorrow because tomorrow night I will (well should anyways *crosses fingers*) be able to pay it. I've got to get an extension on the phone as well that is bound to get shut off any moment now as well -_-

There have been 3 deaths this month. Some harder to take than others. I have had an extra big void in my heart lately. I can't help but feel alone. I am rejected by everyone I come across it feels like. Where does that end? I'm not sure.

I did not get or even vaguely hear about that other job I applied for and that seriously sucks like a lot. I wanted that so bad I could've died. Oh well guess I'm stuck where I am for another few months at least. I really want to take a brake. I'm so tired of feeling like I never get a chance to breathe. Its not like I have anything to show for it anyhow.

I really want to get myself somewhere amazing one day. Something accomplished but I'm not sure where to start just yet. Hopefully I can figure that out soon...

h0sh1kuma @ 2007-08-21T02:57:00

2007-08-21T23:48:41Z

Stupid stupid stupid stupid

~ learn to shut mouth

~learn to walk away

~learn when to call it quits

~learn to be independant

I don't update recently because no news is better than bad news

2007-08-20T12:04:13Z

Well seriously who the hell wants to listen to anyone rant? Usually no one so I haven't been bothering lately. Not that anyone reads this ever since I'm not quite as active as I used to be but just the same I'd like to have something un soap opera like to post once in a while. The past few months wouldn't dare allow such a thing so yeah. But basically in the recent which is why I'm awake at 745am the following have events have a occured and not in any particular order

~ dcf has been dragged back into my personal life

~ my car is as good as dead and I don't think I have the money to fix it and I deffinately don't have the money for a new one. $15 will barely buy gas much less an actual vehicle

~ russell has been at his mothers house since thursday. Not sure if he will be coming home now or ever. Some depends on if him coming back means kirra will be taken away. In which given case he'll be at mamas' house for good.

~ I'm doing everything in my power to avoid bringing any of my family into this because I had rather have the black plague than hear a god damned thing from any of them

~ I remember a time when expressing interest in other people was a very easy thing. I currently have an interest in a lady but can't even look her in the eye when I think about saying anything so no I certainly haven't even hinted a thing x_x

~ christina and I met a very nice lady in pinellas park where our car broke down she gave us soda and water for the car and let us hang out on her porch for hours till the tow truck came. (We never made it to the show hah)

~ my phone got stolen at a childs birthday party, I did eventually get it back but that could've been disasterous

~ I'm well aware my spelling/grammar is pretty horrible in this post but I'm tired as hell and can't think straight so forgive me on that for now because I usually try very hard to fix those things

~ I am slowly starting to understand that no matter what connection you have with someone, no matter how much you've been through, no matter what you meant to each other for any length of moments. It only takes seconds, litterally SECONDS to destroy everything. I am dead serious. Three stupid (allow me to repeat this) SECONDS can ruin three years of blood sweat and tears. Its like throwing a rock at a window. CRASH SHATTER CRUNCH all gone... now what? Well good luck glueing glass back together buddy cuz it doesn't work

~ I was doing super good going back to the gym and stuff with dragging tara with me but between work pms and my like falling a part like a puzzle being shoved off a table with all the little pieces scattering about, I haven't been in about a week. My one pair of jeans are damn near trash and I'm still to baby fat to get on even the biggest pair of my old ones. I think I just need to go back on zoloft and let it suck my body fat back to zero (but that'd cost money I don't god damned have)

~ oh also if anyone might be wanting to give away or sell a working car itd be great if I could be cut a brake once in a while since everyone else in life manages to get help with things like that except me x_x

~ I also have a serious addiction to vitamin water I think I could live off it

I think this is all I have to say about that so I'll leave it here for now..

stuff bored at work

2006-08-18T22:57:40Z

man i have been meaning to make a post sooner but i was supposed to have my sidekick by now but a bunch of crap happened and so no luck just yet but when i get that thing expect mad posts from me on these boring work nights i was gonna type a whole bunch but posting from my cell is taking way too long so i'm giving up now guess i'll read a book or stare at the wall

Photo 45.jpg

2006-02-28T21:31:22Z

Photo 45.jpg
Originally uploaded by h0sh1kuma.

Photo 47.jpg

2006-02-28T21:30:59Z

Photo 47.jpg
Originally uploaded by h0sh1kuma.

Photo 46.jpg

2006-02-28T21:30:40Z

Photo 46.jpg
Originally uploaded by h0sh1kuma.

h0sh1kuma @ 2005-12-12T00:46:00

2005-12-12T05:46:01Z

Meow meow meow

And this is where my free time goes...

2004-11-29T06:56:11Z

pick a band -- answer using only titles of their songs.

2004-11-04T14:04:00Z

¤Linkin Park¤

Are you male or female?: Figure
Describe yourself: Cure for the Itch
How do some people feel about you?: Hit the Floor
How do you feel about yourself?: Numb
Describe your ex: Nobody's Listening
Describe your views on your significant other or crush: Pushing Me Away
Describe what you want: I wanna Runaway
Describe how you live: Somewhere I Belong
Describe how you love: From the Inside
Share a few words of wisdom: Easier to Run

h0sh1kuma @ 2004-06-09T16:18:00

2004-06-09T23:19:02Z

IMORTANT!!!!

2003-12-24T15:35:09Z

THIS JOURNAL IS NOW FRIENDS ONLY!!!!

so if you want to know whats going on in trixie land email me or comment here to be added to my friends list.

Thank You
Trixie